Never Say Never: Mel Gets Engaged

Well, well, well...look who decided to get engaged. Is it because you just turned 29 and realized you don't wanna be the only chick in her 30's unmarried in Barfchester County, Mel?

When I first met Mel (back when we were both under 25...fuck!), she was dead set on never getting married and never popping out kids. I guess that all changes when everyone around you is walking down that aisle of lost hope and dreams towards some douchebag with a fat wallet. C'mon, we all know those chicks - the ones that constantly have to remind themselves how in-love they are on their Facebook statuses.

With the help of AskMen.com, here's a long awaited sparkling list...

Top Reasons to Get Married

Live longer. Oh great, extra years with this bitch...

You won't die alone. Just completely resentful of your other half. Yay!

Become more attractive. Let's be real - a ring isn't a repellent, it's a magnetic force that pulls more dicks than Angelina's mouth.

Tax breaks. Cha ching!

Sex, sex, and more sex. You're so bored talking to one another, you'd rather fuck to kill the silence and fill the lapse of wasted time.

Waaay better sex. Because cheating is fun and physically feels amaaaazing.

Live happier. You have no idea how to fake any other emotion at this point.

(reminder: print this out and recite at wedding)

But...in all seriousness, what the fuck, Mel?

Congratulations...I fucking love you. (does this mean we can't make out anymore?)

Whatever Happened to: Kat and Mel - Girls Gone Missing

What a sad thing to see - not just the death of our blog - but also the death of our immaturity. Who knew kat and mel would make the ranks of "Whatever happened to...". The team of Kat and Mel made slacking off an art form. There were days where we spent our mornings coming up with post ideas and afternoons writing them. I am like the Native American shedding a single tear - except my land wasn't stolen nor my family slaughtered. No, what was taken from me was far worse, I shudder to even type it - I lost my perverted friend. People like Kat and I don't normally get the pleasure to meet in life. We share a bitchy, sarcastic, deranged brain. Well, what might you ask happened to my rabid friend? She found alcohol - and it made her - barf! - nice. I'll give you exhibit A:

Notice the sarcasm, the beers, the slutty tank top, the wild hair - where did she go?

Now here is Kat from just a few weeks ago:


DISGRACEFUL isn't it. So sweet, so beautiful, so nice - I hope she shits her pants.

The world continues to have Lindsay's with drug problems and with a new series with those 8 half asian kids - who knows - maybe Kat will put down the bottle and get creative on this shit. This blog was her masterful experiment that started way back when on a little hello kitty site - that later banned us dirty ho's. It's time to make a come back you bitch - if not for me - then for beWize - our #1 and only fan.

Why Downgrade When Cheating?

We are constantly inundated with high-profile, sometimes even attractive, men cheating on their spouses. Most times it's one attractive actor banging another attractive actress he's doing a movie with. Hell, I've seen some movie sex scenes where the chemistry and attraction is undeniable and the parties are two "happily" married stars. Yea, ok. This type of cheating I can understand. We will call this UPGRADE BANGING. Upgrade banging is accepted by most high-profile wives because they are at least getting a huge paycheck and their jollies off by someone else too.

The cheating that throws a curve ball in all this is when a man/or woman, for that matter, cheats with something so disgusting, revolting, and gross that you have to ask...what the fuck were they thinking? There are men married to super models who diddle the fat puerto rican nanny. Ok, maybe I digress but what about these cases:

Just this week Steve Phillips, the former Mets general manager, recently ended an affair with ESPN analyst Brooke Hundley. Well, Brooke, a woman scorned decided to stalk and harass Steve's wife and son. Now I know what you're thinking...who gives a fuck, the man got pussy. Really? Is this the pussy you want:

Well, Steve really fucked himself here. No matter what Steve's mid 40's-early 50's wife looked like I can guaran-damn-tee it was better than this little boy with long hair.

We all know Elizabeth Hurley for her pretty face, great breasts, and banging butt. Hugh Grant was real familiar with it when he was banging it back in 1995. Maybe Hugh was lonely when he propositioned that nasty ass hooker (Estella Marie Thompson aka Divine Brown) in California--but did he really want to hit that? Was it worth this Hugh?

Jude Law has always been known as a cad but when he started banging his kids nanny, Daisy Wright, while dating Sienna Miller his ego trip and addiction became mainstream conversation. What the fuck was he thinking? This woman is your typical looking English lass and a "big" girl at that.

I have a huge fkn problem with Ryan Phillippe. HUGE huge huge problem. How dare you fuck and marry ugly flat face Reese Witherspoon? Oh wait, that's old news because this dumb fuck then went and cheated on her. With who you ask? Abbie Cornish. Abbie fkn Cornish. A no name actress who looks like Reese's ass after a huge diarrhea attack. See for yourself:Ryan you have the WORST taste. Fuck you for being so damn cute.

Here's one where some people might not agree with me but I'm going to go there anyway. Mark Anthony was married to the most lovely Miss Universe, Dayanara Torres. She is pretty breathtaking, if you ask me and what does this skinny little crack head skeletor looking thing do? He goes and fucks Jenny from the mother fuckin' block. Fat ass, no tits, big head...no different from the 5,000 other Puerto Rican chicks you see in the boogie down on any given day.

I refuse to post ugly ass J Ho, so here, for your viewing pleasure, is Dayanara:


Times when I understood the cheating:

• Eliot Spitzer and Ashley Dupre
• Brad Pitt andAngelina Jolie (Jennifer Aniston)
  
• Billy Bob and Angelina Jolie (Laura Dern)
• Hulk Hogan with daughter's friend
• Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva
  

Reasons for downgrading:

• you know you're thinking it too...they are GAY
• their wife isn't giving up the pusssssssssss ay
• they have low self esteem and get a hard dick whenever someone compliments or jocks them
• celebrity went to their head
• they think they can get away with and a bj is just a bj
• its all about the opportunity
• everyone else is cheating, why not them?

Who did I miss?

Why Are Gay Men Bimbos?

I'm a huge Top Chef fan and a couple of the contestants are gay men. I am guilty of thinking to myself that these gays are "normal" because they aren't "flamers." So fucking sue me for stereotyping, but stereotypes are created by the beholders. So I ask, in today's post, "Why are gay men bimbos?"

I have no issues with team GLBT what-so-ever. It's not a "liberal" thing, it's a who-the-fuck-cares-who's-sleeping-with-who thing. But, it bothers me how most gays, such as the Chelsea and San Fran queers, have to act like silly little school girls until the age of 50*. Fuck, they make Elton John look straight.

There is absolutely no reason 70% of homos need to act this way. There are a shitload of bimbotic chicks out there, but certainly not as many as the bimbotic fag.

So, if you are a gay man reading this, please answer these questions:

1. Why do you walk like there's a stick shoved up your ass? Is it from all the gay sex and you're sore? Coz, the latter is acceptable.
2. When you speak to me, why must there be a bunch of omigod!s, uhhh helloooos, and sighing sounds in between every 5 words?
3. I weigh 100 pounds. Why are you skinnier than me?
4. My hair is almost down to my waist. Why do you have more hair products than I do and take twice as long to fix your 'do?
5. Are you trying to be a chick?

To my last question, I really feel as though gay men try to act like little twats. Listen, I am a girl, you are a man--act like it. Just because we like to fuck the same gender doesn't mean we are the same. If acting like an overly sensitive bitch with an annoying tone in your voice is your representation of being a woman, then I am offended.

Now, before you get your panties all in a bunch, I've been called a "fag hag" from time to time. So don't think I haven't encouraged this bimbotic behavior in gay men ever. However, I think the show needs to come to an end. It's 2009, your point has been made. We get it, you have a cock and like to suck cock. I know we have a ways to go in getting you girlies the same rights as us other human beings, but acting like a joke isn't going to get you there. Keep wearing the pink, but stop being annoying little cry babies.

Ok fine ... Go ahead and do that gay cheer one last time.



*gay species only live until 50, right?

What the Fuck Happened this Week?

• "You Lie!" scandal unfolded and Amy's back!
  
• Kate Gosselin keeps crying, but at least her hair looks good!
• RIP: Patrick Swayze...Don't worry Suzanne Somers is on the case and she believes you were poisoned.
• Kanye West apologizes to Taylor Swift, but he's still a big gay fish.
• Bayside met NYC when Zack and Kelly reunited...and I bet it felt sooo good. Watch the vid on TMZ.com

What's the Deal: Money & Status Pimps & Hos

I haven't bitched in awhile, maybe people have been leaving me alone or maybe I've just gone soft...but I'm back with my newest gripe--People who only talk about money, who they know, and where they can go. I' m talking about financial douchbages, mafia wannabes, and those lovely little fame sluts. Let's break each down:


Financial douchebags: even in a bad economy these assholes are out in full effect. They're at happy hour talking loud about great stocks they got information on or the new Maserati parked in their garage. They are in no way timid about telling you about how powerful they are or how much they take home in a year. These tools are selfish, disrespectful, and cheat whenever possible. "Hey, it's not a hooker if she's expensive and hot. You know what I mean?"

Douchebag Weekly: Because Douchebags Walk Among Us

Mafia Wannabes: those god damn EYE-talian goombahs can never be normal can they? These are the guys who always know somebody. They know where to get steroids or the bouncer at the hottest club or a ton of hot high school girls. Shit, they got a guy for everything! They also love to talk about money--how much they make, how illegally they make it, and what crap they are buying. Who gives a fuck? Not every fkn conversation has to try and make you sound cool to 13 year old boys. "You need oxycontin? I can get you oxy. I think he went up the river but I got another guy."

Gotham City Insider: Evolution of the Guido

Fame Sluts: here is where the girlys come in. These are the chicks who think sharing vagina is like giving a handshake--it can take you places. Well, ladies--spreading your stank around and thinking fucking a celeb is going to make you famous is probably going to work--work at making you famous for being a whore. These are the Hailey Glassmen bitches who cling to men in the "Now" and think that this is their rise to fame. But wait, before they find their celeb men they definitely have a full resume of try outs for tv shows like Real World, Road Rules, Big Brother, or some other slutty show where they can go and make out with guys and get naked.

Hailey Glassman, "I am not a fame whore"

I am still trying to figure out what redeeming qualities, if any, these a-holes have...otherwise, why do we let them live? Maybe because their mom's love them. Whose mom doesn't love them?

Jon Gosselin: I'm a Cry Baby

Jon Gosselin wants to be pitied, plain and simple. So, he appears on ABC's "Primetime: Family Secrets" for an exclusive interview, where he says:

"We film it separately," Gosselin said. "She has her film crew. And I have my film crew. But I can't sit on the sofa with that woman. I can't sit on someone right now that I despise."

Sit on someone?

While Jon continues to look like a cowardly cry baby, as we've all seen on every season of Jon & Kate Plus 8, our girl Kate Gosselin dresses to the nines and goes out with bodyguard boyfriend, Steve Neild...and his wife.

His other bitch, Hailey Glassman, decides to go to sleep on a house plant (or is she trying to fuck it?) and then later breaks up with Jon.

In Touch reports:

"When Jon came back, he said very little to Hailey, but his phone spilled the details," the friend tells In Touch. "He had several text messages and photos taken with girls, including a showgirl. Hailey was shocked that he didn't bother to delete any of it from his phone."
On September 4, Hailey called Jon and told him she was through. "She'd had it," the close friend adds. "She said she couldn't trust him." Once madly in love, Hailey first grew suspicious of Jon's extracurricular activities when tabloid reporter Kate Major claimed she and Jon were an item in July. Although Jon told In Touch he and Kate were "just friends," Hailey was still skeptical. "He lied to her about Kate Major," the close friend reveals. Hailey also now believes that Jon was with other women as well, after he moved into a bachelor pad in New York. "He would go out and return wearing totally different clothes," the close friend explains. "Hailey would question Jon about it, and he'd just say he had spilled a drink on himself." Hailey also believes that Jon collects numbers from the adoring female fans who line the fence at the Reading, Pa., home he shares with his estranged wife, Kate. "She doesn't want to deal with that," the friend explains.

Overrated: Tyler Perry

From subway ads to frequent television trailers, you cannot run away from Tyler Perry. How did this man become famous overnight?

Based on my Tyler Perry knowledge, this all started with Diary of a Mad Black Woman. That movie made black bitches across the U.S. jizz themselves after a friend of a friend gave 'em a bootleg copy filmed off their camcorder. Tigga please, that movie was a pathetic attempt to remake the white movie, "Misery."

Anyone who feels the need to put his name all over a movie or TV show's official title needs to go back to film school. I guess they don't teach that at Howard University*.

Lastly, why is he always in old hag drag? Is that supposed to be funny? A trademark? It doesn't make sense to me, but what doesn't make sense even more is why he has a huge following. I can't name 1 thing I see that's at all amusing, titillating, or entertaining in Tyler Perry films.

Is it really just a "black thing?" If so, can someone black explain this to me. As you can tell, I am genuinely confused. These movies are supposed to contain distinguishable, intriguing personalities, but his poorly written scripts don't serve them any justice; c'mon he plays grandma Tyshanda. He stamps Tyler Perry on everything; not like the all blickity black cast didn't give it away. And, it's the same storyline over and over again, "I'm black so that automatically means I'm poor. My life is so hard, pity me. White people are rich and mean."

We have a black president. Although he's not blickity, we've come a long way from cotton picking. How about your movies move on too, Tyler Perry?

*this asshole actually never went to college. i just felt the urge to call out a black school.

Who We're Loving Right Now

Heartthrob of the Month (August): Michael Vick

Who else can body slam dogs to their death or drown them in buckets and still get a huge contract playing professional football? Michael Vick isn't sorry...why should he be? Men do jail time so they don't ever have to say sorry. Thank you Philadelphia Eagles for showing us that ethics, morals, and common decency have no place in a money making endeavor like organized sports.



Get your votes in now for next months Hottie:

• Green Mountain Killer
• Charles Manson
• Joran Van Der Sloot
• OJ Simpson
  

top reasons why (no matter how much i try to hide it) ill always be a guidette

For those who do not know me, this post will have no merit to you but to those that know me....

• let’s be honest—I couldn’t look any more Italian

• With a middle name like Marie, what else could I be? A flip? lol
  

• My last name is absurdly long and not only ends in a vowel but has 5 vowels altogether

Longest surnames (Source: Italian White Pages)

18 letters
Tschurtschenthaler
17 letters
Pasquadibisceglie, Di Francescantonio
15 letters
Monterubbianesi, Mastrofrancesco, Mastroberardino
14 letters
Abbracciavento, Castrogiovanni, Canavacciuolo, Colafranceschi

• My men of choice: guidos aka Italians. Even when I don't look for them, they find me.

• I love movies/tv shows like the godfather, goodfellas, the big night, casino, sopranos, Donnie Brasco, My blue heaven

• Like a good little italiano I try and eat dinner by 4pm every Sunday

• What's better than a great tan? Nothing-which is why I love tanning.

• grade school = catholic, high school = catholic, grad school = catholic

• I get my nails done every 2 weeks (permanent French and pedicure)

• Morning, noon or night--I always wear make up.

• While most guinea bitches get breast implants, I could use a breast reduction

Urban Dictionary- guidette:

A female guido; characteristic for having an absurdely long Italian name, breast implants, and tight clothing.

• My job is with an Italian coffee company. My programmers are in Italy. I smell espresso ALL DAY.
  

• I ALWAYS listen to my father

All this and I'm only half Italian. Next list top reasons why I do not believe I am 1/2 German.